Chapter 2: A dating app by and for widows and widowers (2024)

Nicky Wake tells Georgia Harris her story and about her dating app Chapter 2, which is forming a community for widows and widowers all over the UK

For widows and widowers in the 21st century, the prospect of dating again—especially dating online—can seem incredibly daunting. After experiencing the "Wild West" of online dating apps, Nicky Wake created Chapter 2, a dating app specifically designed for widows and widowers.

Nicky and Andy's love story

I met Andy online in 2002—that wasback in the day when you didn't tell anyone you met online. We used to tellpeople we met in a bar! He was devilishly handsome, and he "liked" me, so I "liked" him back, and then he sent a multiple-choice questionnaire withquestions like “Coronation Street or EastEnders?”. I obviously passed withflying colours because he invited me on a date!

We met at this bar in Manchester, and I knew that night it was something really significant: I said to my friendthe next day, "I think I've met the man I'm going to marry". Thatnight, he told me the two songs he wanted played at his funeral. That is a really deepfirst date conversation, but I thought, "he obviously thinks I'm a keeper”.Thankfully, I remembered them!

We had this absolute whirlwindromance. We met in July 2002, and in the September he said to me, "whydon't you move in with me?". Then in January 2003, we flew to Jamaica forour first proper holiday.

On our last night we were walking hand-in-hand on thebeach, and he said to me: "would you like to come back here to getmarried?". Obviously, as a man he hadn't actually planned ahead. But theintention was clearly there and three months later he proposed at Chester Zoo—outsidethe wallaby enclosure, because that was the quietest area in the zoo!

We went back to Jamaica a yearlater and got married in a beachfront ceremony, with some very close friendsand family in attendance, and stayed at the same resort for our honeymoon. That was the startof a wonderful life, and I was the happiest I'd ever been. Eventually mybeautiful baby boy Finn burst into the world in 2007.

I set up an event management agency running glamorous award shows all around the world, and Andy left hissensible, well-paid job at the police to come and join me. Eventually I had tosack him because he wasn't very good at his job! I persuaded him to stay at hometo write a novel and look after our son.

He was the world's most wonderfulstay-at-home dad: while I was flying around the world delivering events, he didevery school walk, cooked every meal, kept the house running, and he was myabsolute rock. In hindsight, it was very special that Andy had so much timewith Finn, and that has created incredibly positive memories for him.

Andy's illness

I returned from one of these tripsin 2017, and I could tell something wasn't right with Andy. He said he'd had chestpains, and my blood ran cold. I dragged him to the doctor's, who told him hewas stressed, but Andy was the most laidback man you've ever known, so I knew it was something more.

We wentback three times. Eventually I insisted they did an ECG, and they diagnosed a heartattack. He had three stents fitted and he was okay, but, because he was healthyand only 50, it was a shock.

Three days later I took him homefrom hospital, and we were toasting our lucky escape. He went up to bed, and Islept downstairs because he was snoring like a trooper. In the middle of the night,I heard the most awful noise—I went flying upstairs, and he was having anotherheart attack. I had to do CPR for 40 minutes, on the phone to the operator, waitingfor an ambulance to arrive.

Unfortunately, in that 40 minutes,his brain was starved of oxygen. He went into intensive care and they put him in an induced coma for two weeks; when they brought him round, he didn't know who orwhere he was. He could barely talk: his consultant described it as like afiling cabinet which had fallen over, jumbling all the files. He moved straightinto residential care and needed 24/7 medical support.

We entered this horrible phase ofanticipatory grief: I knew he was going to die, but it could have been twoweeks or ten years from then. But when COVID-19 hit the headlines, I knew that wasthe beginning of our end because Andy had been fighting infection afterinfection, and he was in a bad way.

And sure enough, I got a call early April,saying he had a temperature and they thought it was Covid. All the nursinghomes were shut down; you couldn't even go and visit. On April 17 he died.

We had a funeral; we were allowed12 people, and I couldn't see my friends and family. It was the toughest oftimes. Because I'd been in this state of anticipatory grief, I thought I wouldbe through the grieving process, but I wasn't: it hit me like a train. Me andFinn hunkered down at home, and I had to furlough all my business’ staff whilegrieving. It was the toughest few years of my life.

Widowhood and starting Chapter 2

Eventually, I embraced my widowstatus. I did some brilliant counsellingand they directed me to an amazing charity called Widowed and Young, for widowsunder the age of 51. They have Facebook groups and peer-to-peer supportnetworks where you can meet up with other widows.

There's a real bondingprocess that happens between widows because we've all been through the veryworst thing in the world. Making a friend can take months sometimes, but youmeet a widow and by the end of the night she's your best mate because you’reinherently bonded by this absolutely awful, unthinkable scenario.

At the same time, I was startingto date again; because I’d met Andy online, I knew it worked. But online datinghad changed over the past few years! It was full of rude, inappropriate photos andghosting—it was terrible. I thought, "there has to be a better way thanthis".

There was another issue: when doyou tell someone you're widow? Do you do that on your profile? Possibly not,because you might be scammed. Do you say on the first date? That's a bit of apassion killer! So, I was really wrestling with it.

I genuinely believe that widowsand widowers are uniquely placed to understand each other. If you walk into myhouse, it is full of photos of Andy, and my heart is full of memories—it takesa very strong man to not feel threatened by that. It's a whole other world non-widowsknow nothing about.

I went online, and there were acouple of widow dating sites, but they were run by mainstream sites: theyweren't authentic, and there was no sense of community about them. But when Iwas going to these widow meet ups, people always talked about finding their “chaptertwo”—their next significant relationship—wondering how and where to findtheirs. I thought, "there's an opportunity here".

Chapter 2 and Widow's Fire

I raised some investment,including from three widows who have invested because they believe in theproduct and think it's much needed. We launched Chapter 2 in November last year(last weekend, we were officially one year old), and we’ve hit the groundrunning. We've had an incredible response from the widow community—we'vealready got over 5,000 members.

We're really gaining traction. We’vehad an incredible response from the press and because there are3.12 million widows and widowers in the UK, there's a lot of market to go at. We'rereally disrupting the market, which is quite exciting! I'm focused on growingthe community and being known by every widow in the country, and I'm speakingat dating industry conferences all over the world.

Our average audience age is 45+,but our oldest member is 96. We do widow meet ups every month: they're open toall widows and widowers, so they don't need to be a member of Chapter 2. We'remuch more than a dating site—we are a very inclusive community, with forums andblog posts. A lot of my audience have never dated online or haven't dated for20+ years, so they need all the help and advice that we can give.

I also runWidow's Fire,a slightly naughtier sister site forpeople who aren't ready for a committed relationship. Very often, people aren'tready for a chapter two, but they ache for physical comfort, so that's the flirty fun, no-strings-attached space for widows and widowers.

We launched Widow's Fire because there was talk about it in our forums. People asked, "why is therenot a site for this?", and I thought, "I can build that!". It'searly days but it’s a real success story.

The widow and widower community

The response from the communityhas been overwhelmingly positive. Some people aren't ready for dating, andthat's fine, but you can come and join us for free to look at the blog postsand forums and join the conversation.

People will eventually be ready to date,but that's in their own time, and first and foremost we're here for the widowcommunity. We're advocates for the widow community, as well as offering adating service. That's not something that other apps are doing.

I think we are possibly the onlyauthentic, genuine platform for dating. We've got a real USP in the sense thatwe're providing a much-needed service to an unserved community. It's all veryexciting.

But it’s ironic: I started it because I couldn't find a new boyfriend,and then once we launched the site I thought, "I can't use my own site,that's wrong". It feels a bit naughty to be siphoning off the best menfor yourself!

The collective term for a bunchof widows is an ambush, which I just think is perfect. I definitely have an ambushof widows and widowers, and I fight fiercely to look after them, protectthem and to help them navigate a way forward. We never talk about moving on: wetalk about moving forward, and that is really important.

Widows and widowers have theutmost respect for what has gone before. If I date a widower, he will behappy for me to recognise Andy's birthday or have lunch with Andy's mumregularly with my son, and all that kind of stuff that otherwise could beproblematic.

I think an important part of what we do putting people togetherwho understand each other fundamentally. They almost have an emotionalshorthand, and they're a lovely, friendly, fun, supportive community that I'mdelighted to be spearheading and growing on a daily basis.

Chapter 2 events

It’s free to join, it's free togo out, and it's free to use all of our resources. If you want to like andmessage people, then you pay a premium for that, but every month we do aone-day completely free premium trial, and then three days later we'll do aspecial offer. And we've got 12 couples togetheralready: at our last Manchester event, we had couples coming along just tosay hello!

People often think that widowget-togethers are depressing, but they're really not! Widows have a lustfor life because they know that life can change in a heartbeat, quiteliterally, and they live for the moment. And, until you've been on the dancefloor with 50 widows, you've not really partied.

We're running this amazingcampaign over December where we give all of our premium members a free giftevery single day. We're going to do drop-in support Zoom calls on the 24th,25th, 26th, and 31st December, and 1stJanuary. Any members who have lost someone can drop in and chat, so people cancome and have a sherry and a mince pie with us!

Advice for getting back into dating

We direct anyone feeling nervousabout dating to our blog posts:they cover topics like knowing when it’s the right time to date, how to tellyour friends and family that you're dating, dating safety tips, and how towrite a good profile. But if anyone wants to talk it through, they can get in touch with me. I've helpedsome of my widows through this process: if someone says, "I don't know howto upload a photo!", I'm like, "send it to me, I'll do it foryou!"

You have to be brave and you haveto be bold, but a good way to interact is to come to our free events. I'll even buy youa drink for some Dutch courage, because I know how scary it is! You can justcome and meet other widows, and if that's all you want right now, that'sabsolutely perfect, and we will welcome you with open arms.

I always giveeverybody my phone number so if you're stood outside thinking "I can't dothis", I'll come and get you and introduce you to a load of lovely people.That is the top advice I would give: any questions at all, please feel free toreach out because I can talk to widows and widowers day long.

I think I was put on the Earth tohelp widows and widowers. I try and take a negative and turn it into apositive, and I genuinely believe I am doing that. I think Andy would be soblooming proud, and he'd also think it's quite funny that I've managed tocreate a business out of what's happened!

Chapter Two is my chapter two. Creatingthis business has got me through the darkest times of my life. I've foundmeaning, and I've found joy in helping other people find joy. That's somethingI'm immensely proud of.

Learn more about Chapter 2 here,and Reader's Digest Dating here.

Banner photo: Finn, Nicky and Andy on holiday in 2017 (credit: Nicky Wake)

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